I think I jinxed myself. What the hell is up with that. I was just speaking with my friends about how wonderful my medicine was working and I hadn’t had a panic attack in week. Well 2 days ago I had the worst panic attack in my life. I think everyone says that because every new one feels worse than the one before, but this one was seriously the worst in my life. I almost went to the hospital. Were it not for my mom and best friend I would have.

Idk what triggered it. I don’t really care to know. All I know is I experienced symptoms I never have before. And I don’t care to ever again. My legs were numb. I could barely speak. I hyperventilated. I cried. I shook. My pupils were huge. I was convinced I was having a stroke or some other serious medical issue.

It took 2 doses of klonopin, a Xanax, and 2 hours of breathing, texting my best friend and boyfriend, talking to my mom( and laying on my living room floor to get me to the point where I could relax enough to talk myself down.

I don’t wish panic disorder on anyone.

I think this time really proved to my mom how scary these experiences are for me. I felt like I was literally losing my grasp on reality and on staying conscious. I almost wish, during these experiences, that I will lose consciousness.


I’m sure this was some one off experience that I won’t find the cause of, but it makes me worry that in the future these things could haunt me randomly and more severely than ever.

I can deal with panic attacks. I’ve become a pro/. But if they are going to keep getting worse, I may lose my mind. Perhaps a discussion with my psychiatrist is in order. Maybe my cymbalta dose is too low.


But I needed to share. Thanks for listening.

Until next time.

Hoping people don’t see me panic:



(Source: charlimansonn)

I need this.

Monday again?

So here we are- another Monday.  Another week ahead.  Another week behind.  

For someone who sat on their ass all weekend and drank too many bloody mary’s, I sure was productive.  Although, productive in my world is probably much different than yours.  I’ll leave it at that.

I focused a lot on myself this weekend, which was nice for a change.  No boyfriend, no friends, no parties—just me.  I thrive of this time alone.  I’m an introvert at heart who likes to disguise herself as an extrovert every once and a while.  It felt good to just lay in the sun, read a book and be alone with my own thoughts for a few days (well of course until the VMA’s came on).  

I notice have a better week when I allow myself this alone time.  It feels stupid to say, but it’s true.  I ate super healthy (minus the bloody marys), made sure to get my fitness in each day and caught up on much needed sleep.  Can I just say that I’m extremely proud of the fitness progress I’ve made?  I see changes in myself every day and it’s adding to this overall feeling of well-being that I’m trying to accomplish.  Weekend perfection.  

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the time I get with my boyfriend and friends tremendously, but during this time of dealing with my panic disorder, I need that quiet time as well.  It was a nice contrast to the crazy weekend I had last week and the crazy weekend I plan on having this weekend (my best friend is visiting from Denver and I’m psyched).  

Here’s to a positive and stress-less week.











thought i would create a powerpoint on this since the post went down well yesterday 

Quite good, but I do suggest fetching them something cool (water would be best, but a bottle of soda could work to). Drinking can help, as can resting the bottle on the back of their neck


very important

Thank you

Breathing IS important, but you need to make sure that they are breathing with their diaphragm and not with their chest (stomach needs to go out when they breathe.I f their shoulders go up with their chest, it’s not right and can cause them to hyperventilate). 

pls keep this in mind thank you

very important, since I have panic attacks from time to time.

i printed this out and gave it to my mom

make sure they don’t stop breathing either.. 

(Source: bernbutt)

My view this afternoon. Relaxing. Caprese, kitten, Torchwood.


So I got a twitter and am slightly addicted. Not sure what took me so long. Follow me @mello1890. I talk a lot about music, my day to day life, and my panic disorder…with a bit of humor. And while you’re at it, follow the best band in all of Atlanta @VoodooVisionary. So excited for Umphreys McGee and STS9 tonight followed by a late night Lettuce funk show! Free from my panic disorder tonight for sure. Ta Ta.

How I feel right now.

(Source: trust)

Late night tumbling

It’s been a great week. Full of progress, success, fun, relaxation etc. My best from come home next week. My boyfriend plays an awesome show next week. The weather is supposed to be beautiful. Fuck. Yes. Adios for now.

PS, check out my boyfriends band.  They’re pretty awesome and have some music up on their site. 

Holy hell it’s been a while since I posted on this thing.  I told myself I’d stay accountable to my stupid panic disorder, so here I am.  Clearly not in the greatest mood today—it happens.  Definitely case of the Mondays (which will probably last until Friday).  That seems to be the way things go these days.  My company was recently bought out by another company, which naturally means change.  I’ve mentioned in a previous post how much I despise change.  I wish I were the type of person who enjoy spontaneity and be able to go with the flow but my damn panic disorder gets in the way of that.

Particularly lately.  So I’ve been on this medication regime for a few weeks and it’s been great.  I’ve been a little sleepy, but I’ll take sleepy over anxious any day.  My doctor advised that when I felt ready, to stop taking my daily Klonopin to experiment with how my Cymbalta is working.  Thursday felt like that day.  It was a horrible decision.  I got til about 7pm when I started to feel “weird”.  It’s the only way I know how to describe my pre-anxiety attack shit.  It’s like this sensory overload where everything gets super loud and I can’t concentrate and I get overheated.  I casually walked outside to calm myself down—and drink a beer.  I know I shouldn’t be drinking on my medication, but I’d earned it.  

Learned my lesson—it’s not time yet to be coming off my Klonopin.  Perhaps next week.

There are too many amazing things happening in the next few months to let my anxiety get in the way.  String cheese incident at Hulaween in Live Oak Florida.  My boyfriend’s band is playing several big shows over the next few weeks.  Labor day shenanigans.  I’m an instant gratification kinda girl, so this waiting and experimentation shit is frustrating, but I’m sure will be worth it.  

Sorry for the language.

Until next time

Positive vibes towards my main squeeze as he goes in for surgery today to repair his Achilles.